muffy mother

this past weekend was very difficult for me mentally.

I was more busy than I was used to socially and physically very tired as I did not have as much liberty to sleep in. I feel even more distracted and both my mood, mind, and attention were more scattered than usual. it was so frustrating.

I got into a pretty big argument with my partner yesterday and had to face myself in very uncomfortable ways… but the flaws I was admitting to myself have been the same struggles I’ve had for years. I feel like I haven’t grown. which was a frustrating and… lonely conclusion. as if everyone around me seemed to be growing and moving beyond and past me. only I am standing still.

now that I’m in bed, freshly showered and moisturized with one of my favorite fragrances body butters…. I notice that I am feeling a lot better. I guess just giving myself permission to rest despite feeling not necessarily proud of myself. treating myself intentionally with sincere compassion was strangely refreshing. I am once again reminded of the power of scent in grounding & comforting me. the lightly floral, creamy, gently sweet aroma of SDJ cheirosa 59 smells like a delicious, warm blanket on my skin on this cold winter evening. my apt is far, far from guest-ready clean, and I am not necessarily happy with everything that I have going for me, but for now, I’ve done my best and that is enough. I will learn to be content by meeting myself where I am. I probably could have said no to one of the plans I had made, looking back. but at the same time, I don’t regret joining and supporting my partner in those plans. it’s hard for me to imagine how I could have done this past weekend better. it was just mentally and physically quite tough for me for some reason, even though I tend to like the cold/snow.

I feel that social media, even through long form videos, has been working against me. it distracts me from my thoughts and feelings under the guise of “teaching” and entertaining me. I feel that all it has done was inspire me to shop alongside inspire me through bouldering and beauty. It’s a double edged sword, but for now, I have chosen to uninstall YouTube. I spend so much time watching it, Reddit, Instagram, or x in search of… what? inspiration? I was mentally doing better when I was off of the thing altogether, so I’m just gonna abstain from it for now. distracting myself from my less pleasant feelings has proven to be a counterproductive habit to say the least.

with the power of this body butter, I feel inspired to pursue fragrances….. somehow. being a consumer is very different from making them, I recognize, but I feel like it would be incredible to formulate my ideal signature scent and help others realize their best selves in that way. or inspire calm, confidence, ease, rest ….. this body cream is doing that for me right now!!!!!!

I should head to sleep at this point. good night, world.