muffy mother

sleepless musings of a tobi

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  • selfishness. also, how to find curiosity and seize it?

    i got to socialize after work today! i had completely forgotten this was a thing because it was not on my digital calendar. i need to start documenting everything now bc my mind is a very messy place, lol, and my memory is not 150% like my partner’s.

    i think it was a good time. i am not normally one to socialize unless it is about my very niche interests…. bc otherwise i have a harder time feeling like i contributed the conversation. i felt the strong urge to leave early since… i think it was just very wet and somewhat cold? my eyes were stinging from the sunscreen i had applied earlier today, and i felt somewhat down/isolated. i think any time i had to socialize and feel like a person was basically interrupted by work. i think i still had some meaningful contact in, but i mostly just felt alone.

    i feel like so much of growing up as an american child is characterized by a lack of solitude and then so much of adulthood is…. So Much Solitude, if you’re not careful. i mean, i know you have social media nowadays, but how much of that is you actually engaging with people in rich, active ways/experiences?

    i’m digressing!

    selfishness. i am musing on this topic because…. i have not climbed in some time. originally, my goal was to progress as quickly as possible, mainly because climbing is fun and the community is great. but i also had an ulterior motive (admittedly) to match up or surpass someone close to me: petty, I know. but it worked as a great motivator! until i lost that motivation, for better or worse. i think now that i am climbing for me, myself, and i, i don’t feel the need to move or progress as intensely. i am not sacrificing my work quality bc of how much time i am spending at the gym (i used to spend about 2 hrs each time i went, about every other day at some point). i guess…. i want to say that while selfishness may seem like a purely bad, self-centered thing, i think there is definitely a good and a not-so-good kind of selfishness.

    i think partly why i am not going as often (other than the competitive motive that has since cooled), is that i feel quite selfish for going. it is solely for my own benefit that i go: my partner has no time or motivation to join me. i am basically away from home where i can only really climb and instead of study or clean (or bettering myself in potentially more financial/selfless aspects/supporting my partner). the only person who will immediately see the benefit might be me. i might sleep better, i might display more confidence, my body will become stronger. i think eventually the benefits will spread to others in more indirect ways (i watched a video of one father climb as a way to exercise for the sake of himself and his family), but i feel so selfish doing it. i think this is a good type of selfishness though. if it increases my joy and keeps me healthy, then… why not? i think i will lean into this awkwardness. it may not be the season for me to get a handstand or reach v3, but at least i will be exercising for my mental and physical health.

    selfish behaviors that are not so good: doomscrolling, passive consumption without making/producing anything (not a bad thing but…. it can get me in a passive mindset), procrastinating/neglecting, basically doing things that may feel good in the moment but are not the best thing to do for future me. exercising is selfish, but in a good way. i will make time for it.

    as for curiosity, i felt inspired to talk about this after watching a beauty/make up youtuber speak about the current consumption trends on social media. rather than a fixation on minimalism or maximalism, she speaks about the heart of what these trends aim to solve: a desire, need, lack of, or emptiness of something. she argues that that something is in fact curiosity, and the pursuit of which (or rather following curiosity) is the antithesis of perfectionism, which she argues is a way to protect oneself (?) from dealing with something uncomfortable, a way to keep oneself in a safe zone. which is an unconventional way of defining perfectionism, but i can see it!

    following your curiosity can be a bit uncomfortable. it requires effort, and it requires letting yourself make mistakes and be a bit messy. to voice things that are not necessarily 100% and that is okay. it requires allowing yourself to be perfectly imperfect, which is…. not easy because i am not sure if others would accept me if i am less than perfect.

    i think this topic appeals to me because i happen to feel somewhat empty and alone at this moment when i am normally quite satisfied and happy. i don’t have a fixation to distract me from these feelings atm, so now i am left with these feelings. even the social media algorithms have failed to distract me enough, which is not necessarily a bad thing. i feel compelled to learn and create now, surprisingly. just bc those difficult things end up…. being a way for me to face these empty feelings. i may not necessarily have people i feel comfortable calling “friends” but i will sincerely call them that because talking to them and affirming them (and being affirmed) gives me peace and joy. i think i have a strong aversion & sensitivity to loneliness. and that’s okay too.

    i guess what’s left for me is… what am i curious about? who would i define friend even in this case?

    i should probably stop here, as i am rambling for far too long. but that’s what’s on my mind today.

    3 things i am grateful for:

    • cooler, dreary weather, all the better for me to get cozy indoors with a hot cup of tea and do fun things i love like crocheting and reading. super privileged. but it feels more like a stolen moment of comfort than it does in the high sun of summer.
    • having the trip to austin to look forward to this LBD! i miss seeing my family. while i am not looking forward to some of the conversations i may have, i want to see how my family has been doing. i don’t video call my parents, so i really want to see how they’re doing in ways that words alone may not reveal.
    • having great books to look forward to reading! it has been a long, long time since i have felt this way about reading, esp now that i don’t have to read for school.

  • on listening to your body

    about 1 month ago, i remember feeling very stressed. i had made a grave mistake in a work relationship and was not sure if i could repair it. the work itself was fine, but the relationship between myself and this colleague felt strained. we were not necessarily close before, but whatever sense of trust/ease was basically lost. it had been a long time since i felt that feeling of my heart dropping.

    it’s mostly better now that boundaries have been established. i know it can’t go back to what it used to be, and that might not be a bad thing, tbh. but at least now, it seems we both can talk to each other directly without any hard feelings again.

    i am writing this post because i think what set me away from a path of thought-spiraling towards negativity was….. actually forcing myself to work out on the day that i felt really bad about it. i was feeling considerable levels of dread on the day i had to work with this person after the falling out, but something in me decided to do what i could for myself. i can’t fix what went wrong, but i don’t deserve all of the negativity i was giving myself.

    for the first time in a long while, i was choosing to be on my own side. i carved out time for joyful movement (a form of it that i loved) as a form of self-compassion. i went climbing.

    the session itself was okay. i was rusty, but i got to really just lean into the discomfort. to zero in on the climb, and let go of fear by (quite literally) stepping forward in spite of that. for several precious moments, i was able to let go of rewinding the time that i messed up and wondering how i could have done things differently or what i could do going forward to repair things.

    the work relationship is ultimately a 2-way scenario, and i can’t control everything myself. but i can still choose to be kind to myself, because no one else can do that for me.

    it was such a relief to be able to embrace the feeling of exhaustion and not constantly think about my work or mistakes. i could just be one with my aching body, one that i was building to become stronger and more resilient. i have not been going to the gym as regularly as i used to, but after writing my recent post on healthy forms of “selfishness,” i think i will definitely go back. i look forward to stretching, climbing, and maybe even weight lifting tomorrow. while exercising is a privilege, my body and mind deserve to move.

  • hello, my name is…

    mmmmMaufey. 🐇 I am a bunny who looks like a trademarked dutch creation that is often mistaken for japanese design. I can’t talk in real life because I was cursed by __________, but I can speak my mind through this blog, thanks to ma muthuh. ❤️ As promised, I will use this platform wisely.

    my strong points: my soft exterior, bouncy interior when squeezed, my tall ears, and the fact that my little arms stick out. I am very, very cute if I do say so myself

    my weak points: none. 🐇

    i have an overbearing older brother penguin (T000bi 🐧) who I like to humble using my pointy ears and small butt. we bully each other, but at the end of the day… we still mess with each other bc thats just what siblings do. plus, Tobi is just bigger than me, so no matter what I do, I am right, and Tobi is wrong!! how can a penguin be so mean to his little sister 🥺

    my favorite food: Tobi fil a 🐧❤️

    my favorite drink: water from the cup of my parents

    without further ado,

    mmm

    mmmmmmm

    mmmmmmmmm

    Maufey 🐇 (pronounced how it is spelled, not may-vay)

  • introductions, please!

    hey there!

    this is shio, proud mother of t0oobi and mmmmMuffy (although maffy works too, ig :p). Tobi and Muffy are very special kids of mine who give me strength alongside my romantic partner.

    this personal blog will contain random, conversational-style posts about new ideas i’ve encountered… or musings i think might be useful or interesting enough to share to the proverbial class. topics may include reading journal entries, travel entries (if and when that happens), exercise journal entries, gaming/animanga thoughts, fanfiction-writing thoughts…. mainly fun topics or things i wish i could tell my past self to make life easier. i plan to update once a week or so.

    my audience is for me, my partner (lub u boo), and my two kids (muah), but the occasional, well-meaning stranger is also welcome. 🙂

    some background

    this is actually my second or perhaps third time attempting a blog on wordpress.

    my first two attempts were made about 5-6 yrs ago (how time flies!) when i was feeling suuuuper stressed and dissatisfied with life. i wanted to use the blog as a way to vent and also potentially make a career out of blogging if it ever blew up. i ended up terminating these earlier attempts because the entries felt desperate and disingenuous. now… i just want to ramble freely without having to worry about character limits or writing to impress a ‘professional’ audience. i don’t this blog to become famous, tbh… but if this blog ever blows up & you start to expect a certain entry or topic, be prepared to be sorely disappointed because i’m writing for ME now, bb!!!

    about me

    i was born and raised in the states. i am a full-time working adult who is highly introspective, strives to improve her sleep (a routine that is sporadic at best), and enjoys learning new things. i think being ‘boring’ is highly underrated; i strive to keep my daily life ‘boring’ so i can focus on things that truly matter to me.

    i recharge by listening to music, spending countless minutes on YT, playing video games, reading shoujosei manga in bed, crocheting, journaling, and watching anime with the partner. 🙂

    i would love to pick up a musical instrument again and to really and truly learn a second language (tieng viet). and a third (bahasa indo). and a fourth (espanol). maybe a fifth, too (nihongo). i’ve got a lot of work to do!

    this year (2025), i would like to reach v3+ in climbing and to call my parents more often, among other things. good luck to you and me on our respective goals!