muffy mother

i got to socialize after work today! i had completely forgotten this was a thing because it was not on my digital calendar. i need to start documenting everything now bc my mind is a very messy place, lol, and my memory is not 150% like my partner’s.

i think it was a good time. i am not normally one to socialize unless it is about my very niche interests…. bc otherwise i have a harder time feeling like i contributed the conversation. i felt the strong urge to leave early since… i think it was just very wet and somewhat cold? my eyes were stinging from the sunscreen i had applied earlier today, and i felt somewhat down/isolated. i think any time i had to socialize and feel like a person was basically interrupted by work. i think i still had some meaningful contact in, but i mostly just felt alone.

i feel like so much of growing up as an american child is characterized by a lack of solitude and then so much of adulthood is…. So Much Solitude, if you’re not careful. i mean, i know you have social media nowadays, but how much of that is you actually engaging with people in rich, active ways/experiences?

i’m digressing!

selfishness. i am musing on this topic because…. i have not climbed in some time. originally, my goal was to progress as quickly as possible, mainly because climbing is fun and the community is great. but i also had an ulterior motive (admittedly) to match up or surpass someone close to me: petty, I know. but it worked as a great motivator! until i lost that motivation, for better or worse. i think now that i am climbing for me, myself, and i, i don’t feel the need to move or progress as intensely. i am not sacrificing my work quality bc of how much time i am spending at the gym (i used to spend about 2 hrs each time i went, about every other day at some point). i guess…. i want to say that while selfishness may seem like a purely bad, self-centered thing, i think there is definitely a good and a not-so-good kind of selfishness.

i think partly why i am not going as often (other than the competitive motive that has since cooled), is that i feel quite selfish for going. it is solely for my own benefit that i go: my partner has no time or motivation to join me. i am basically away from home where i can only really climb and instead of study or clean (or bettering myself in potentially more financial/selfless aspects/supporting my partner). the only person who will immediately see the benefit might be me. i might sleep better, i might display more confidence, my body will become stronger. i think eventually the benefits will spread to others in more indirect ways (i watched a video of one father climb as a way to exercise for the sake of himself and his family), but i feel so selfish doing it. i think this is a good type of selfishness though. if it increases my joy and keeps me healthy, then… why not? i think i will lean into this awkwardness. it may not be the season for me to get a handstand or reach v3, but at least i will be exercising for my mental and physical health.

selfish behaviors that are not so good: doomscrolling, passive consumption without making/producing anything (not a bad thing but…. it can get me in a passive mindset), procrastinating/neglecting, basically doing things that may feel good in the moment but are not the best thing to do for future me. exercising is selfish, but in a good way. i will make time for it.

as for curiosity, i felt inspired to talk about this after watching a beauty/make up youtuber speak about the current consumption trends on social media. rather than a fixation on minimalism or maximalism, she speaks about the heart of what these trends aim to solve: a desire, need, lack of, or emptiness of something. she argues that that something is in fact curiosity, and the pursuit of which (or rather following curiosity) is the antithesis of perfectionism, which she argues is a way to protect oneself (?) from dealing with something uncomfortable, a way to keep oneself in a safe zone. which is an unconventional way of defining perfectionism, but i can see it!

following your curiosity can be a bit uncomfortable. it requires effort, and it requires letting yourself make mistakes and be a bit messy. to voice things that are not necessarily 100% and that is okay. it requires allowing yourself to be perfectly imperfect, which is…. not easy because i am not sure if others would accept me if i am less than perfect.

i think this topic appeals to me because i happen to feel somewhat empty and alone at this moment when i am normally quite satisfied and happy. i don’t have a fixation to distract me from these feelings atm, so now i am left with these feelings. even the social media algorithms have failed to distract me enough, which is not necessarily a bad thing. i feel compelled to learn and create now, surprisingly. just bc those difficult things end up…. being a way for me to face these empty feelings. i may not necessarily have people i feel comfortable calling “friends” but i will sincerely call them that because talking to them and affirming them (and being affirmed) gives me peace and joy. i think i have a strong aversion & sensitivity to loneliness. and that’s okay too.

i guess what’s left for me is… what am i curious about? who would i define friend even in this case?

i should probably stop here, as i am rambling for far too long. but that’s what’s on my mind today.

3 things i am grateful for:

• cooler, dreary weather, all the better for me to get cozy indoors with a hot cup of tea and do fun things i love like crocheting and reading. super privileged. but it feels more like a stolen moment of comfort than it does in the high sun of summer.
• having the trip to austin to look forward to this LBD! i miss seeing my family. while i am not looking forward to some of the conversations i may have, i want to see how my family has been doing. i don’t video call my parents, so i really want to see how they’re doing in ways that words alone may not reveal.
• having great books to look forward to reading! it has been a long, long time since i have felt this way about reading, esp now that i don’t have to read for school.