muffy mother

about 1 month ago, i remember feeling very stressed. i had made a grave mistake in a work relationship and was not sure if i could repair it. the work itself was fine, but the relationship between myself and this colleague felt strained. we were not necessarily close before, but whatever sense of trust/ease was basically lost. it had been a long time since i felt that feeling of my heart dropping.

it’s mostly better now that boundaries have been established. i know it can’t go back to what it used to be, and that might not be a bad thing, tbh. but at least now, it seems we both can talk to each other directly without any hard feelings again.

i am writing this post because i think what set me away from a path of thought-spiraling towards negativity was….. actually forcing myself to work out on the day that i felt really bad about it. i was feeling considerable levels of dread on the day i had to work with this person after the falling out, but something in me decided to do what i could for myself. i can’t fix what went wrong, but i don’t deserve all of the negativity i was giving myself.

for the first time in a long while, i was choosing to be on my own side. i carved out time for joyful movement (a form of it that i loved) as a form of self-compassion. i went climbing.

the session itself was okay. i was rusty, but i got to really just lean into the discomfort. to zero in on the climb, and let go of fear by (quite literally) stepping forward in spite of that. for several precious moments, i was able to let go of rewinding the time that i messed up and wondering how i could have done things differently or what i could do going forward to repair things.

the work relationship is ultimately a 2-way scenario, and i can’t control everything myself. but i can still choose to be kind to myself, because no one else can do that for me.

it was such a relief to be able to embrace the feeling of exhaustion and not constantly think about my work or mistakes. i could just be one with my aching body, one that i was building to become stronger and more resilient. i have not been going to the gym as regularly as i used to, but after writing my recent post on healthy forms of “selfishness,” i think i will definitely go back. i look forward to stretching, climbing, and maybe even weight lifting tomorrow. while exercising is a privilege, my body and mind deserve to move.